Tuesday, December 14, 2010

"Oh, oh, oh, Boeh-nie's crying!"

Van Halen reference, btw. If you get that one, congratulations! You're old like me. And you also read his name the way he insists on pronouncing it (BAY-ner). I'll concede that it may be a German thing; I used to know a girl whose last name was Goebel and she pronounced it like "Gable," rather than GO-bel, and she was German.

But I prefer "BO-ner." Yes I do. That's the American way to say it! All right, Johnny? America rulz! And so does the class of '92!!! WOO HOO!

Class of '92-gether 4-ever!!!

Oops! Sorry. Got carried away there.

Sooooo many things to pick apart about his dumb 60 Minutes interview that it makes me tired. But I'm obviously made of sterner stuff than Boner (heh), so here I go.

1.) "I've got thick skin."

Um, no. No, you don't. My sweet southern belle of a grandmother cried less than you. She was a HELL of a lot tougher than you are, too. (She was tougher than most people. Miss you Gran!) And on the subject of your skin, Mr. SOTH...it is rather...orange. And I'm not the only one who's noticed. Maybe orange skin is inherently thicker? The Oompa Loompas had orange skin, and I guess they were tough. Sort of. They were also pretty disturbing. Not as disturbing as a leaky Boner, though. Right, fellas?

2.) (Sniff!) "Makin' sure that these kids (snuffle!) have a shot at the American dream....(flail)...like I did...(snarfle snuffle sniff sniff sniiiiiifffff!) is important." (BHAAAWAAAAAAHOAOAAAHHHHH BOO HOO HOO HOOOOOOOOO!)

Oh go cry in your cocktail, Boner. You are SOOOOO full of it. Any journalist with half a brain could smell your horseshit a mile away. Unfortunately, Leslie Stahl doesn't seem to be working with that much, judging by the way she eats this up with a spoon. She does crack me up during the bit with his wife, around the 4:50 mark: "What set you off that time?" Then (to Mrs. Orange SOTH): "He cries all the time?" Heh. That's our Boner!

3.) "He's going through an emotioable (sic) period..."

"Emotioable"? Okay, Mrs. Orange. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, since I mis-speak all the time. I've always said that I'm better at typing than I am at talking. But I don't slur my words as much since I kicked booze. Just saying.

4.) This gem, also from Mrs. Orange: "He was a janitor on the night shift when I met him. He's come a long way."

Oh SHUT IT. You're not Bernadette Peters, and he's not The Jerk. He was not born a poor black child. He was a janitor when you met him because he was working his way through college. A lot of students work crap jobs to get through college. Like, thousands upon thousands of students. Boner's not unique in that way, I promise you. Okay, so it is a quite a long journey from mucking out toilets and sprinkling sawdust on vomit to being Mr. Big Time Speaker of the House. (Actually...nah, I'll just let you insert your own joke there.) But there's no denying it, Boner's come a long way from Reading, Ohio. In fact--much like us modern ladies and Virginia Slims--you might say he's come a long way, baby.

And speaking of ciggies, it just so happens that Boner looooooves the tobacco industry with every bit of his crusty orange heart. I think the tobacco industry probably loves Boner even more, since he's so willing to get down on his knees to service them, no?


Awww, somebody needs a nap! Give him a 6-pack of Schlitz and a pack of Newports. And his blankie.

And feel free to call me if he wakes up!