IN MEMORY OF THE VICTIMS

It's weird how the public, the media, and most of the free world seem to have just "discovered" that bullying--particularly the bullying of LGBT youths--is a problem. Bullying has been around for thousands upon thousands of years: at least since ruthless, insecure assholes became bipeds, and perhaps even before. It's always been a problem, it's always sucked, and it's always been minimized or virtually ignored by most school officials and other adults in positions of authority over children.

The rash of recent suicides of kids who were bullied relentlessly for being gay or "perceived" as being gay is truly horrifying; it is equally horrifying to realize that their tormentors, in part because of their status as minors, will likely face zero consequences for their actions, despite the fact that they were at least partially responsible for another person's death. Another sickening thought? As of this writing, Dharun Ravi and Molly Wei--the gruesome twosome who secretly recorded and publicly outed Rutgers student Tyler Clementi--haven't even been expelled for the crimes they committed. I sincerely hope that they do hard time for this, instead of a light tap on the wrist and some bullshit probation and/or community service.

Along with other measures, like teaching--actually, make that ENFORCING tolerance in schools (policing and punishing children who engage in ANY sort of bullying behavior, etc.)--I would like to posit that we use a little creativity in making examples of nasty little bullies like the ones mentioned above. Below are two of my best ideas.

Yes, I am totally going to go there.

1.) "The Running of the Bullies"

Round up a healthy cross-section of bullies from schoolyards across the country, (including the tormentors of Asher Brown, Billy Lucas, Seth Walsh, and other evil little fascists who've caused needless pain and misery to their peers). Rescue all the bulls used in the cruel annual Pamplona "festival." Turn the bullies loose on a city street (any city with narrow, treacherous roads will do). Give them a 20 second headstart. Release the bulls. Watch the fun!

Bonus idea: Line the streets with a healthy cross-section of bullying victims from across the country. Give the victims bags of fresh bull manure to hurl at the fleeing bullies, thus giving the bullies a taste of their own bullshit--literally! True poetic justice.

*Note: The bulls will then be taken to live out the rest of their years in a cow sanctuary. Any surviving bullies will be sent off to work camps to live out the rest of their years.

2.) For Dharun Ravi and Molly Wei

Strip them both naked and stick them in a dank prison cell. Force them to have awkward sex with one another and broadcast it live on pay-per-view. Donate the pay-per-view proceeds to GLAAD.

Afterwards, just keep them in the prison cell (but sterilize them both, so they don't breed any noxious offspring).

If you have any suggestions about creative ways to punish bullies, send them to daizycakes at gmail dot com.